I've left poor Britney alone of late, it seemed to me that she was tragic rather than dumb - then I read something like this!

Britney's lawyer wants the judge to stop the trial concerning the incident last August when the singer crashed into the back of a car in California while she was driving on a Louisiana license.

According to her lawyer, Britney is "unable to participate meaningfully in her defense" - an argument based on the fact that she is still under conservatorship. Given that the conservatorship is scheduled to end next month, this seems to be rather short-sighted on the lawyer's part! Especially given that Brit is planning a new tour.

News Scotsman

Posted by Dianne Sandland at 06:12 AM | Permalink

Heather Locklear was seen driving erratically as she left a parking lot, and a California Highway Patrol officer later found her car parked on a highway and blocking a traffic lane. The former Melrose Place actress was arrested Saturday night and booked on suspicion of driving while impaired.

Locklear was released without having to post bail. According to police, alcohol was not involved, but they are conducting tests to determine if Locklear was under the influence of drugs.

The actress' ex, Richie Sambora, was charged with DUI back in March, his daughter Ava was in the car when he was stopped and Sambora pleaded no contest.

Now that both her parents have been busted, what's to become of Ava?

Reuters

Posted by Dianne Sandland at 05:55 AM | Permalink

Only a dumb pussy would urinate on a man's briefcase and not expect to pay the price. In this case, the price wasn't actually too bad - the man who owned the briefcase flung the cat onto the balcony of the apartment where they both lived. Also sharing the apartment was the man's wife, the nominal owner of said dumb pussy.

Now, the man's wife obviously preferred the dumb pussy to her dumb husband, because she called the Italian Animal and Environment Defense Association, who in turn found her lawyers specializing in similar cases.

Cat owner and man's wife, Mrs Laura Marchesi, reported that she had found her cat hungry and shivering with cold after spending the night trying to get back into their apartment, and a court has now ordered Mr Marchesi, he of the pee'd on briefcase, to pay his wife $800 for vets' expenses and emotional damage.

We are not told whether the emotional damage refers to the dumb pussy or to Mrs Marchesi (or is that one and the same thing?). However, Mrs Marchesi is quoted as saying, "I love my cat very, very much and what happened to it affected me deeply. It is only fair that I receive some compensation."

We are not told the status of the Marchesi marriage.

Ananova

Posted by Dianne Sandland at 08:20 AM | Permalink

When a client neglected to settle a $750 bill for two dental bridges, a Bavarian dentist took the only option open to him; he reclaimed the goods.

According to police, the dentist barged into the woman's house, tied her up, forced her mouth open and yanked out the two bridges that had not been paid for.

The dentist is now under investigation for assault for forcing open the woman's mouth, and theft for taking the bridges.

The crime report states that "the woman was in pain when she showed up at the police station."

Metro

Posted by Dianne Sandland at 08:09 AM | Permalink

If ever there was a bum rap, this is it. When Sandra Meiser robbed a bank in Norf, West Germany; she got away with $24,000. Witnesses to the crime told police that the bank robber was a woman with "a very large backside and powerful thighs."

A few weeks later, Meiser revisited the scene of her crime. As she was standing in line, allegedly with intent to rob the bank again, a witness to the first robbery identified her by the size of her bottom.

According to a bank worker who was present, "He called the police and they arrested her and found her ski mask and hand gun in her jacket. He said he recognized her bottom straight away - he'd never forget something that big."

Meiser now faces up to 10 years in jail on robbery and firearms charges. The witness has bagged a $8,000 reward.

Posted by Dianne Sandland at 04:05 AM | Permalink

Jose Cruz was stopped for driving under the influence in South Carolina, but he was arrested for farting on a police officer.

According to police officers, when Cruz was taken to the station for fingerprinting, he moved closer to the arresting officer and passed gas on him.

The odour was, apparently, "very strong."

Cruz has now been charged with battery on a police officer as well as Driving Under the Influence, and obstruction.

Metro

Posted by Dianne Sandland at 03:26 AM | Permalink

Pigs might not fly, but cows apparently do!

In China, a motorist was understandable shocked when a cow dropped from the sky and landed on his bonnet.

The black and white beast left a deep dent in his wake Luckily for the driver, a resident witnessed the accident - had that not been the case, who would have believed the 'victim?' The resident said he saw the cow jump off a lorry that was driving ahead of the car.

The lorry didn't stop - wonder why?

When police caught up with the lorry driver, he was arrested and is now in custody. Apparently he is a cow thief and he had stolen three cows from a local farmer. When the accident happened he was taking the cows to market.

Annanova

Posted by Dianne Sandland at 04:02 AM | Permalink

In England, Natasha Kaplinsky is one of a string of celebrity newsreaders who earn in excess of $2 million a year. Kaplinksy, who is eight months pregnant, fell foul of the law last week when she neglected to clear up her dog's poo during an afternoon stroll in a London park.

Her celebrity (or her pregnant belly) must have rattled the mounted policemen, however, because they let her off with a lecture. Lesser mortals are fined up to $2,000 for not cleaning up after their animals. We have these small, green boxes all over the country that are designed to take dog poo; many a happy hour can be spent watching tourists posting their letters and cards home into them.

Daily Mail

Posted by Dianne Sandland at 08:17 AM | Permalink

George Michael has once again been arrested in public toilets. Granted, they're high class public toilets in the north London suburb of Hampstead. However, a toilet is toilet, wherever it happens to be.

It was on Friday afternoon that our George was found in possession of crack cocaine and cannabis, he hasn't lost his grasp on reality though. Michael is quoted as saying, 'I want to apologize to my fans for screwing up again, and to promise them I'll sort myself out, and to say sorry to everybody else, just for boring them."

Quite.

Reuters

Posted by Dianne Sandland at 08:09 AM | Permalink

Forty-year-old Martyn Lamb had an unusual way of unwinding before picking his children up from school. Wearing skimpy knickers, suspenders and a blond wig, the married father of three exposed himself to passing trains.

When questioned by the Magistrate in York, Lamb said that he wore women's underwear while he was at work because it helped him to unwind during the day.

Metro

Posted by Dianne Sandland at 09:57 AM | Permalink

Terri Hughes, former Playboy producer for Sirius Satellite Radio Playboy show, Night Calls, claims she was sexually and racially abused in the workplace and is suing her employers for an unspecified amount.

In one example, Hughes claims that she was asked to repeatedly wax the butt of co-host Christy Canyon, during a three-hour live broadcast. Hughes also claims that Canyon created a hostile workplace environment when she exposed her genitals and breasts to co-workers and made requests to guests and co-workers to touch her genitals and breasts. She also, apparently, masturbated herself with her hands as well as with various sex toys during live broadcasts of the Night Call show.

Canyon is obviously an exhibitionist - I wonder if she realizes that it's a radio show she's co-hosting.

Stupid Celebrities

Posted by Dianne Sandland at 08:12 AM | Permalink

A 50 year old gentleman (I use the term in its broadest sense) is awaiting charges in Michigan after proving to policemen that men can indeed multitask.

The unnamed man was discovered masturbating behind a downtown building Wednesday afternoon. The gentleman was shirtless and had his pants down around his ankles; in one hand he held a beer and his other hand was otherwise engaged as he leaned over a pornographic magazine. It's too much to hope that his senses were aroused by the beauty of the written word - multitasking and reading is too much to expect.

Worryingly, police said this man does not match the description of a man who exposed himself to two women in separate incidents on Tuesday.

Michigan Alive

Posted by Dianne Sandland at 07:31 AM | Permalink

AN Egyptian donkey has been jailed for stealing corn on the cob.

When the director of a local agricultural institute complained that somebody was stealing his crops, police set up a checkpoint. It was sometime later that the un-named donkey and his owner were apprehended. The donkey was found in possession of the institute's corn and sentenced to spend 24 hours in jail. His owner was allowed to go free on payment of an $11.40 fine.

Now, what's that about the law being an ass...

News.com.au

Posted by Dianne Sandland at 07:20 AM | Permalink

On Sunday morning, a young woman allegedly called 911 and told the operator that if she had an AK47 assault rifle, she would "stick it in the 911 operator's mouth and shoot it."

When police responded to the false 911 call they found Khaliyah Ranchelle Limehouse at a pay phone. On their arrival, Limehouse yelled at them that she had made the 911 call and that she would kill the officers if she had a gun.

As she was being arrested,the woman kicked an officer and tried to bite him. After she had been arrested, police found a sandwich bag containing1 gram of marijuana in Limehouse's purse.

Limehouse was charged with making a false 911 call, obstructing or opposing an officer with violence, possession of marijuana and two counts of battery on a law enforcement officer.

She is being held today $7,000 bail.

What I want to know is:

1. How would she manage to shoot the 911 operator down the phone (a good trick if you can do it)?
2. How could she possibly get a decent sized sandwich with only 1 gram marijuana?

Tampa Bay Online

Posted by Dianne Sandland at 03:40 AM | Permalink

Ryan O'Neal and his son, Redmond, were arrested and charged with possessing methamphetamine on Wednesday, following a search of the actor's home. The home was searched in connection with O'Neal Jr's probation case; he pleaded guilty in June to driving under the influence and possession of heroin and methamphetamine. In exchange for starting a drug treatment program and undertaking three years' probation, young O'Neal managed to avoid being locked up.

Given that the last drug bust I wrote about involved Tatum O'Neal, it would seem that drugs are a family trait. But, hey, if daddy does it, then the kids will too.

Reuters

Posted by Dianne Sandland at 03:28 AM | Permalink

A German teenager who caused $141,262.24 in damage when he flooded a Dusseldorf arena with beer will stand trial on Monday.

The boy allegedly broke into the arena with a friend back in October 2006 and opened three beer taps, flooding the place with 1,400 liters of pilsner lager. The beer soaked through the stadium to a conference room and eventually reached the parking area where it caused extensive damage.

Apparently the stench was so overwhelming that it was a year before the conference room could be used again.

The Local

Posted by Dianne Sandland at 09:01 AM | Permalink

The same cop, Jeffrey Wayne McKay, was also arrested on suspicion of indecent exposure, isn't that one and the same thing?

Police were called out just before 10 pm Saturday following reports that McKay was allegedly in his front yard making threats to neighborhood kids with a loaded gun. He also reportedly exposed himself while urinating on his front lawn. Now this is some multi-tasker! Gun in one hand and penis in the other, I bet he didn't know which one to shoot first.

And I hate to be pedantic - but how could he urinate without exposing himself?

McKay was arrested at the scene and held on $15,000 bail. He has since been released on bail bond.

Channel13

Posted by Dianne Sandland at 08:29 AM | Permalink

In Germany a man has received a three-year jail sentence for selling his partner to his neighbor as a sex slave. The price was a crate of beer.

The alcoholic husband sold his 32 year old wife more than once over a period of several weeks to their 60 year old neighbor. Each purchase cost the neighbor a crate of beer.

Mind you, the Germans do make exceedingly good beer.

SMH

Posted by Dianne Sandland at 12:06 PM | Permalink

... When He Received the Phone Bill!

Twenty-two year old Anthony M from Leverkusen, Germany, was resident in a local hotel when he racked up an impressive phone bill of over $11,000 on a sex hot line.

Explaining this marathon, he said, "I was sitting in my hotel at night and suddenly became horny, so I called a sex hot line. I did not keep track of time, it was like a movie. I just kept going." When hotel workers discovered the bill, they knocked on Anthony's door - only to tell him they were impressed by his stamina.

However, the police were called and charges have been pressed. According to Anthony's lawyer, however, the hotel is at fault for not policing his client's sex habits.

This failure on behalf of hotels is obviously endemic within the industry; Anthony has, apparently, been wanted in Hanover since February, when he checked into a local hotel and "forgot" to pay the bill upon leaving. Too much sex obviously ruins the memory.

The Sun

Posted by Dianne Sandland at 04:19 AM | Permalink

Don't walk your dog in the nude in Tallahassee!

A 40 year old Tallahassee, spotted doing just that on Friday evening, responded to police questioning with, "Allah told me to watch a Bruce Willis movie and walk the dog." Now whether that was Allah the almighty or somebody the man shared his home with, I have no idea. Although, I suppose there's always the possibility that the guy shared his home with Allah the Almighty. Anyway, I digress...

The man was tasered when he refused to follow an officer's commands - we are not told what those commands were but apparently using the Taser was the only way to subdue the man without having to hurt him.

Wink News

Posted by Dianne Sandland at 03:49 AM | Permalink

I've slotted this story into the Dumb Criminal pigeon hole but really it's not dumb anything, in fact, its a witty, whimsical invention.

Fed up with putting your lunch being snagged from the office refrigerator?
Moms - are you pissed because the kids snag refrigerator bags containing food set aside for meals?
Well, you're troubles are over!

I present you with the Anti-Theft Lunch Bag

Clever eh?

Posted by Dianne Sandland at 06:55 AM | Permalink

In England, so called 'Cops and Robbers' parties have been going on for years. Guests have to dress up as either a cop or a robber and, as often happens, the party-goers tend to be dressed as caricatures - well, it's no fun otherwise, is it?

In Southend, Essex, Converso Contact Center decided to hold a cops and robbers party as a team building event. Unfortunately, the team didn't have time to do very much building at all before their party was swarmed by armed police in bullet proof vests.

Apparently, a witness reported seeing two men in dark clothes taking guns into the building. The guns were very quickly discovered to be toys.

A British Bobby, who seemed to have had his sense of humor surgically removed, commented, "The two men involved clearly did not think about the implications of their actions. This was potentially a very dangerous situation and, as such, armed officers were deployed."

This is called a 'caught in an embarrassing cock-up' response.

UPI

Posted by Dianne Sandland at 06:44 AM | Permalink

A burglar broke into a home and rubbed spices over the body of one of two men as they slept in their rooms. Then he used an 8 inch sausage to whack the other man in the face and head before he ran out the house. I have no idea of the relevance of 8" as used to describe the sausage.

The suspect was found hiding in a nearby field a few minutes later and taken into custody on suspicion of residential robbery.

Unfortunately, some of the evidence is missing - the piece of sausage used in the attack was discarded by the suspect and eaten by a dog.

Daily Telegraph

Posted by Dianne Sandland at 04:21 AM | Permalink

...he or she doesn't bear comparison to this German miser:

Magdalena Czerwinskawas sentenced to 15 days in prison for theft but was told she could pay a fine instead. She telephoned her boyfriend, Max Schuster, and asked him to pay. No, he said. He would rather keep the money for himself because, in the current economic climate, we have to save where we can. He didn't really feel like going to the jail anyway.

So poor Ms Czerwinskawas is still in jail. It is not sure if the relationship will continue when she is released.

Ananova

Posted by Dianne Sandland at 04:14 AM | Permalink

Putin certainly thinks of himself as a celebrity, so I can get round it that way, I suppose...

Reuters report that prosecutors in Russia want to ban South Park, the popular satirical cartoon. They say the series is "extremist" and there have been viewer complaints.

The Russian Union of Christians of Evangelical Faith had asked prosecutors to ban South Park after it said 20 experts had studied the show for its effect on young viewers.

Perhaps Russians don't have an 'off' button on their remote controls. Heck, perhaps they don't have remote controls!

Reuters

Posted by Dianne Sandland at 03:40 AM | Permalink

Police followed their sergeant's orders to kick down the door and then entered the house with guns drawn. Room by room they searched the house but could find no trace of anybody, let alone the woman in distress who had been heard to call for help. And still the cries of distress continued, despite the apparent emptiness of the building.

Then, in a bedroom on the first floor, the mystery was solved. A caged cockatoo was crying "Help me! Help me!"

The bird, who goes by the name of Luna, had duped a host of 911 callers as well as the police. Completely unfazed by the entrance of the law enforcers, Luna simply said, "Hello."

Ten-year-old Luna, a blue-eyed umbrella cockatoo, has done this twice before and, on one occasion, caused neighbors to call police because they thought a baby had been left at home alone all day. It was just Luna practicing her baby cries.

NJ.com

Posted by Dianne Sandland at 09:50 AM | Permalink

...Don't Tell the Police!

A 40 year old man was stopped by a trooper after being seen to drive his vehicle erratically. As the trooper was examining the man's driving license, white powder was seen to fall out of a crumpled up $100 bill. The man told the trooper that he only used cocaine when he was 'with the prostitutes.'

The driver's mistake was his answer to the question 'when were you last with a prostitute' with 'tonight.'

Strangely enough, the man was transported to the county jail.

The Kitsap Sun

Posted by Dianne Sandland at 11:23 AM | Permalink

If you're on a drugs charge, don't swallow the evidence.

On Tuesday night last, 38 year old Prince Swayzer III was pulled on suspicion of trafficking narcotics. During questioning Swayzer apparently became combative and was subdued with a Taser gun. He also allegedly ingested an 'unknown amount of a controlled substance.'

Prince Swayzer III is no more, he died in hospital after refusing medical treatment. Ah, well...

KTVU.com

Posted by Dianne Sandland at 11:11 AM | Permalink

Police in Norfolk, England, have been issued with a modern behavior guide and appearance code.

From this day forth, police are required to:

be polite and courteous
dress appropriately
be tidy
not use personal mobile phones in public view
not keep their hands in their pockets (no trouser pool then)

Furthermore, senior staff are encouraged to avoid the 'too busy syndrome' and address negative trends, such as:

frequent sickness
poor discipline
low workload,
sloppy paperwork
laziness

So, that's one county down and only another 46, 81, or 37 counties to go - depending on how you count them. If we can't get our Counties sussed, what hope is there for our police forces?!

Of course, the police could count the counties but then they risk falling foul of the 'too busy syndrome.'

Lancashire Evening Post

Posted by Dianne Sandland at 08:22 AM | Permalink

A word to the wise - if you've faked your death for the insurance money - don't visit your GP.

Our hero today is Ahmad Akhtary, who had managed to get a false death certificate from Afghanistan certifying that he had died of 'brain trauma.'

The trauma to his brain must have been extensive - what other explanation is there for the fact that Akhtary continued to lead a perfectly normal, visible life despite being dead. Top marks to his GP for diagnosing that he was alive.

Instead of the £300,000 that Akthary hoped to net, he has been jailed for nine months (suspended for two years) on the charge of gaining money by deception.

I suppose that pretending to have a brain does count as deception.

Lancashire Evening Post

Posted by Dianne Sandland at 08:14 AM | Permalink

Mark Anthony Booth, of Iowa City, was charged with drunken driving and bribery early Sunday morning. He was pulled over for driving without headlights and, following a Breathalyzer test, was arrested for drunken driving.

In the squad car journey following the arrest, Booth offered the escorting officer "free Jimmy John's sandwiches if he was allowed to go home."

The officer declined the offer, to which Booth allegedly responded, "C'mon... Nobody's going to know."

Thick as well as crappy sandwiches then.

Press Citizen

Posted by Dianne Sandland at 08:33 AM | Permalink

not even in the police force.

The woman, handcuffed and stowed into in the back of a police cruiser, was suspected of driving a stolen vehicle. Having apprehended her and secured her, the arresting police then started to run checks to see if the car the woman had been driving was, indeed, stolen. They left the engine running.

It was during these checks that the woman managed to slip her cuffs and wiggle into the front of the police car and drive off. Luckily for the police officers, she crashed just a short time later.

Two patrolling officers, seeing the crash, ran to help what they thought was a fellow officer in trouble and discovered the woman. They put two and two together, amazingly they didn't come up with five, and the game was up.

The woman faces charges of theft over $5,000 and impaired driving. Damage to the police cruiser was estimated at $3,500.

London Free Press

Posted by Dianne Sandland at 08:08 AM | Permalink